To Remember
by Aquilea-of-the-Lonely-Mountain
Summary: After experiencing battle and death for the first time, Fili has quite some worries to struggle with. He thinks nobody else notices, but of course Thorin does ... Some Durin feels/comfort after BotFA.


The chill air oft he night was filled with the sounds of battle. People shouting, cursing, dying. Steel clashing on steel. Steel cutting through leather, flesh, bone. Louder cries. Stamping feet. It was a wonder you could not hear the blood dropping on the muddy ground. There was so much of it.

_This, _Fili thought, _must be what hell looks like. Just chaos. Everyone trying to survive. Not knowing who is friend and who is foe._

‚I've been searching for you.'

Fili started. His heart was pounding with fear until he realized that he was no longer in battle. He was sitting in front of their halls in the Ered Luin at the floor, staring into the night. In fact, he had not been fighting at all this night; it was just his mind that was playing tricks on him by bringing up memories. Again. The fog around his mind finally disappeared and he leaned back against the stone wall as he recognized his uncle stepping beside him. Fili held back a sigh.

‚Why are you still up?', Thorin asked. ‚It's already late.'

Fili shrugged. ‚Just getting some fresh air, I guess.'

‚Fresh air', Thorin repeated as he leaned against the balustrade that encircled their home. He was silent for a while, but suddenly he said: ‚Kili worries about you.' He didn't look back at Fili. ‚He says you hardly sleep. You don't eat enough. You don't talk much, even to him.'

Fili managed a little laugh. ‚Come on, uncle. He's exaggerating.'

Finally, Thorin turned around and met his nephew's gaze. ‚Don't try to fool me. Nobody knows you better than your brother. Alas, if there's a pebble in your boot, he would know even before _you_ do. So don't tell me he's wrong. Kili is worried about you, and so am I. Or am I also exaggerating?' His voice was almost mocking, but he couldn't hide the sound of sorrow completely.

‚It is nothing I can't handle', Fili tried to play everything down.

‚But there is something that bothers you', his uncle insisted. As Fili stayed silent, his voice grew softer. ‚It is the last fight, isn't it?' He hesitated. ‚The raid.'

Fili nodded. There was no point in denying it any more. Yes, it was the raid. Although it had already happened three weeks ago, he couldn't forget it. He had accompanied a group of merchants as an escort. It hadn't been his first time in such a charge, but his seventh. Fili already could have gathered more experience – he had gotten the first chance to accompany a group of merchants when he had been thirty-eight, but he had declined because of Kili. With thirty-three years, his brother had been considered too young to take on such a job, but Fili would not go without him. So both had been patient for another six years until Dis could be persuaded to let both of them go.

Their first time escorting a group of merchants had been pure fun. It had not been hard work, and they were even accompanied by their uncle (although he still claimed that it had been just to comfort Dis' worries, not his own). They had done barely more than walking at the head of the group and some scouting, but nothing ever happened. Not on their second job when their uncle accompanied them, not on the third when they were left on their own for the first time. Nothing ever happened – until that night three weeks ago.

Everything had been as usual. Even the human merchants and their products which had fascinated Fili so much at the beginning had started to look the same. Marching, scouting, and marching again. While preparing the camp in the evening, he and Kili had made the usual jokes. Nothing had seemed different from their former jobs.

But in this night, they had come.

All of a sudden, humans had run into the camp, yelling like madmen, waving torches and weapons. Fili had just fallen asleep, but he had felt as if he was still asleep and had stepped into a nightmare. He remembered little of that night but the sounds of battle – and one human face. Brown, fierce eyes. A scar that cut through the left corner of his mouth. A small nose, strangely delicate in such a weather-worn face. The man had run straight towards Fili, a sword in front of him, somewhat rusty, but nevertheless dangerous.

It had been the first time in his young life that Fili had killed a man.

He had been defending his life, of course, but was this enough justification? Sure, they had been criminals, but who knows why they had become what they had been? Maybe they hadn't been bad people at all. It just felt so wrong.

Thorin's deep voice brought Fili back into the present.

‚I'd like to say ‚Don't worry about it any longer', but I know that this is something one cannot forget that easily. And this isn't just a mere saying.'

Fili frowned at his uncle's words. It seemed strange that Thorin should say something like that. Not the brave, fearless Thorin Oakenshield.

Thorin took his gaze off the landscape of the Ered Luin and looked back at his nephew. ‚You think I only had to slay orcs in all the battles I fought? I'm afraid you're mistaken.'

The young dwarf couldn't remember seeing such a grave look on his uncle's face. Getting curious, he got up and walked beside Thorin. Even as he was walking, Thorin's eyes rested on him.

‚When our people were driven out of Erebor, I was nothing more than a child, hardly able to put up a sword. But I had to learn to do so soon. When we were travelling the wilds, looking for a new place to live, many humans thought they could make use of our situation. They thought us to be helpless. Easy to be robbed of the little we had.' His voice became harsher. ‚They were wrong.'

Fili listened in awe. Thorin seldom spoke of the things that happened after they were forced to leave Erebor. He always remembered the Lonely Mountain and had passed the songs and stories down to his nephews, but he never got in any detail of his own hardships. Fili had known that the proud dwarves of Erebor had suffered, but he had had no idea how much.

Thorin placed a hand on Fili's shoulder. ‚It is sad, but sometimes humans can be more cruel than orcs.'

Fili swallowed. ‚I'm not sure if this will help me.'

His uncle's lips twitched, but he got serious again after a few seconds. ‚I don't think that there is anything that will make you forget the dead. I'm sorry, but I can't tell you anything else. But', he continued as he saw the look upon his nephew's face, ‚there is one thing I can tell you that will make your burden a bit easier. Do not think of the ones you have to kill. Think of the ones you save by doing so.' His voice got softer. ‚Think of the merchants you saved. Maybe they would be dead now without your help. Maybe they would be starving because they couldn't trade their goods for food. Think of your brother. Maybe he would have get hurt without you. Maybe he would have to face the feelings you do right now. And think of yourself. Don't blame yourself for what happens on a battlefield. It won't do you any good.'

‚Will it get easier?'

‚Maybe, maybe not. It's difficult to say. However, I must admit that I feel comforted.' Thorin gave a little smile. ‚I was afraid your battle experiences could harden you too much … could make you cold, even heartless.' He lowered his forehead until it touched Fili's. ‚I'm glad I haven't lost the nephew I know.'

Fili chuckled. ‚I don't think you'll have to worry about that, uncle. I'm still your Fili.'

Thorin gave him a little clap on the shoulder. ‚I love to hear that. And now go and tell your brother the same thing. He worries about you.'

‚Okay, I'm gonna tell him.' Fili headed towards the door. His feet felt light as never before. Before he entered their halls, he turned back to look at Thorin. ‚Thank you, uncle.'

Thorin made a vague gesture. ‚Just go to your brother.' But when Fili was gone, he muttered: ‚He would make a great king, maybe greater than I could ever be. Mahal, I'm so proud of him.'


End file.
